How I got here (my sad testimony with unsolved issues)

Posted Jan 20, 2012 by Adrian Zaranski in General Hits: 4,773

Hello to everyone visiting Maranatha Media!

Because I'm new here, it would be nice to introduce myself. My name is Adrian and I come from Poland. I do not come from an Adventist home, so I had a somehow complicated way to find not only the Seventh-day Adventist Church, but also this website. (I must also warn you, that some information about me may be for you shocking - it's because the most important issue about my fellowship within Church, and with God Himself, is still unresolved.)

The problem is even about, how I became an Adventist. It's all about Internet, visiting various websites, confronting many views... It all started in 2005, when I found an Adventist website (nadzieja means "hope") and some other sites. Eventually I came in contact with a local church, so in 2006 I started attending worship services. But for a very long time I did not choose to get baptised, due to discontent of my somewhat Catholic family.

As probably most of you, I have been taught about Trinity. But one day in 2009 (just after a youth-rally in one of Polish cities) I became very curious about the subject, so I started an investigation. Probably like you, I was initially struggling with the problem about Jesus being God, and not yet a member of a Triune God. I was posting my thoughts about this on an Internet forum run by ADS Polish youth (now the site is inative). Eventually I became aquainted with a new member of this forum, a daughter of a nontrinitarian Adventist, who is running a website, it's also in English (I knew about this site before and found it interesting, maybe someone of you know it). They were invited by an elder sister in Christ, who was disfellowshiped (but not because of nontrinitarianism), to visit her. And I was also invited for that meeting.

It was on the New Year's Day of 2010 and the day after (it was the Sabbath). Initially the discussions were calm, they were not about Trinity though, it was only once mentioned. But just after the Sabbath, the discussions started to get unpleasent, it was something about host's family relationships. Don't want to go into details, but I was very confused - if we are to be children of God and His people, why are we allowing for such conflicts within our ranks? Anyway I remained in contact with the girl, but sometime later it died out - I don't want to get into details about this either.

This was not the only thing about this period. Some days before that meeting, I wanted to know more about the Trinity debate within our Church, so I googled it out and found, run by Terry Hill, who is know by many of you :) . This site gave me the answeres I very much needed - about Godhead, Trinity, and many other issues. I was reading those long study papers for a quite long time. I still am thankfull for the spirit, in which they were writen.

While still doing this study, in summer 2010, I got involved into a missionary service with a "Three Angels" Polish missionary group, which came to visit us for a couple of days. During this time, I started to present new my views about Godhead in my church. As a young, shy, and not yet baptised member of the Church, I was treated very lightly and with understanding. I must also say, that one brother mentioned the upcoming Omega deception, in the context of nontrinitarianism - this got me thinking. Also after the rally my pastor acknowledged, that I was struggling with the issue and I had a few talks with him. We didn't get into much agreement, but we were discussing in a good atmosphere. He even made 3 sermons on the issue, all fully pro-trinitarian.

The following year, I came to the point, when I needed to get baptised. I was aware of the disagreement between me and the Church and I didn't know what to do. But I started the preparations. During my preparations for the baptism, we were again discussing this issue with my pastor. (This is the moment, when its starting to get difficult to understand, and for many of you the following events will probably be shocking). And we came to an agreement, at least I thought so. As I remember, he wanted me to know, that as long as I believe in the Father, the Son and in the Holy Ghost, I can be baptised. In my stupidity, I took that for granted, that there will be no mentioning of the word "Trinity" in the baptismal vows. And so, during my baptism on June 11 2011 (I was baptised by someone else), the "Trinity" ("One God in Trinity") was mentioned... but for me it was too late for say "no"... so I said "yes"... quielty, shyly, but I said it. I lied in front of God, on my baptism... this is just unimaginable...

After the baptism (which was in its own right an unforgetable experience) I severely struggled with this. I came to a compromise, and it may cost me my eternal life... Sometimes I tried not to think about it, but I cannot leave this without a resolution. I prayed very much to God for forgiveness, I believe, that even THIS sin He is willing to forgive. After all, it's a surety, that this baptism isn't valid, and I need to rebaptise (or at least to get my name of the church list, which I still hesitate to do so, because of the bad advertisement the nontrinitarian cause would receive).

With those serious thoughts in my mind, I was still studying the Trinity debate issues, as presented by Brother Terry Hill. But due to what happened recently (my baptism) I wanted to search even more, also how I could resolve the situation. So I once more googled on the topic, and that's how I have found Maranatha Media (t'was July). I quickly started to browse the site and I also noticed the same spirit of writing, as is present on TheProphetStillSpeaks site. And first I was hesitating to register, but when I found an entry about baptism, and about the problems with nontrinitarians, that wanted to be members of our Church, I made a decision to register - but even then I hesitated on writing about my experience. Meanwhile I was browsing the site, I've watched many sermons about relationships, and the hesitating continued until now.

It's a very long entry, but I hope you'll get pass through it. So this is my situation today. And yet I don't know how to deal with it. What came to my mind, when writing all of this, is that the very same experience was conducted by Peter the Apostle, when he denied Jesus after His capture. And Jesus forgave him. I hope God still has the patience for me.

Thank you all for reading this and I look forward for your comments and your councils. I am still a shy and fearfull person, and most probably not yet fully converted, I still struggle with many sins in my life. Please pray for me.

Blessings to you all! Adrian