Dealing with Self-Pity and Resentment

It has been 6 months since meeting "Roger" (see my blog "Was Roger an Angel?").  At that time, God was merciful to me in my trials and sent a message of reassurance that He was pleased with me.

I remember another time back in 2001, just as Daniel was regressing into autism, and Adrian was very sick.  I was finding it all a bit hard.  I remember going into my bedroom, kneeling down and crying it all out to my Heavnely Father.  For a split second I felt an arm around my shoulders, and the quiet assurance that He was not going to take away all the difficulties, but He would be there beside me to walk through them with me.  That reassurance carried me a long while.

While I treasure these reassurances of God's love and pleasure, God is now leading me to a deeper understanding of myself and how I handle trials.

Yes, our family has had our fair share of trials - even yesterday - our younger son, with autism, had such a bad headache from the "plopping" he gets that he was screaming, crying, throwing things, hitting for 6 hours before he finally dropped off to sleep for the night.  Sleep - what a relief!

In my head I have known that God allows difficult times to purify our characters:

Jam 1:2 & 3:   My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;  Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.

Mal 3:3  And he shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver: and he shall purify the sons of Levi, and purge them as gold and silver, that they may offer unto the LORD an offering in righteousness.

Also, in my head I have known that God will give us the power to endure temptations and difficult times:

2Pe 2:9  The Lord knoweth how to deliver the godly out of temptations

1Co 10:13  There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

But in my heart I have a great tendency to indulge in "self-pity" when having trials.  The Lord has pointed out to me, that underneath the self-pity and behaviours to comfort myself (because of that self-pity), there is lurking something evil.  It is the presence of the venom of the serpent, a taste of the lie fed to Eve in the garden.

The serpent wants me to believe that God has not given me a fair deal, God has made my life too hard.  I have found myself saying things like:  "It's all too hard," or "Why does life have to be so hard?" or "How much more of this do I have to take?"  or "I can't take any more of this!" or even "If life has to go on like this, I'd rather not be around anymore."  Am I not questioning God's wisdom in ordering my life?  Am I not believing the serpent's lie?

As I have entertained these thoughts, I have believed the serpent's lies about God, and I have become infected with his poison and become diseased with resentment against the way God has led me.  This resentment often is masked, is subconscious, is not obvious.  But when the Lord has had me look deep within for reasons for my behaviours, resentment has been found.

So lurking beneath self-pity and self-comforting behaviours, lies the evil of resentment against God.  This resentment is really an accusation against God's wisdom, an anger at His ordering of my life.  Isn't that the way the whole controversy started with Lucifer in Heaven?

I have asked the Lord to forgive me for my anger at Him, for my resentment about the way He has led in my life.  I have asked Him to help me to have the "faith of Jesus" and the "mind of Jesus" that I may choose to trust God's leading and submit to the trials as they happen.

I am asking God to help me to  fully trust His promises:

Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

"All that has perplexed us in the providences of God will in the world to come be made plain. The things hard to be understood will then find explanation. The mysteries of grace will unfold before us. Where our finite minds discovered only confusion and broken promises, we shall see the most perfect and beautiful harmony. We shall know that infinite love ordered the experiences that seemed most trying. As we realize the tender care of Him who makes all things work together for our good, we shall rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory. " {9T 286.2}

Quoting Gary Hullquist (in a comment to another blog):  "Jesus is now my Hero! He's the Captain of our faith. We are not only they who keep the commandments of God, but also have the faith of Jesus, a faith that accepted everything His Father gave him, submitting, resting solely in His care and keeping."

May this be my experience today - and yours too!