Deep Heart Searching
In my previous article quoted from Steps to Christ:
The warfare against self is the greatest battle that was ever fought. The yielding of self, surrendering all to the will of God, requires a struggle; but the soul must submit to God before it can be renewed in holiness. {SC 43}
In the days and weeks since my disfellowship I have had time to think and reflect on both the message that has brought great joy and the methods I have employed to bring this message to my beloved church. I have been disciplined by my church in the strongest terms possible. Is there nothing in my experience that demands this discipline? Has every emotion of my heart been pure? Has every word been in the spirit of love? The questions cut deep in the light of the Divine Pattern and the counsels I read in Scripture on approaching those in positions of responsibility.
The Spirit searches my heart and mind and I can find no shadow of turning regarding what I see in Scripture regarding the Son of God, but when I consider my steps, I enter an area of uncertainty. I think of my past, my culture, my exposure to self-determination and a general spirit of disregard for those in authority. I think of my teen years and my heart is pained at how I have treated my parents and took for granted so many things that they did. I recall attitudes towards leaders that cause me to blush. No matter how much I would wish to focus on the wrongness of those who have had authority over me, the Spirit that searches my heart does not allow me to escape the reality of my own failure to manifest the spirit of Abigail and Hannah at all times.
With such a history and with such a lack of understanding of the person of Jesus as I had, it is impossible for me to avoid the reality that my heart has not been pure in seeking to present my case to my brethren. The Spirit of Christ is revealing to me some of the secret passages of my heart and some of the crooked elements of my soul. I begin to feel my need in greater measure. I hear the words in my heart Adrian, you are heading in the right direction but often in the wrong way. I kneel before my Father and Lord Jesus and I ask for the Spirit of Christ to do all things in the Spirit of Jesus, to love my brethren and to sense always my need and my constant danger of self-determination.
I arise from my knees and I once again head towards the local Adventist Church. My heart is warm and I whisper to my Saviour, Your people are my people and Your God is my God. As I enter the church, I see a dear friend and colleague – currently serving as a conference president in another state. He warmly greeted me and I felt such a joy in my soul to see him. I felt the deep love of my Saviour for him. (Even now I am overwhelmed when I think of my sweet brother! Oh Lord have mercy!) He had been one of the few comforts during the dark night of my soul. As part of the program we were asked to pray for the person next to us privately. I was able to pray for my dear friend and was able to be prayed for by him. It was a blessing to be prayed for by an ordained minister of the gospel in the remnant church! I then listened to the pastor up the front speak about aspects of what Jesus has done for us. My heart just went out to him. I felt a great desire to support and encourage him. This is the spirit I want in my life, this is the spirit of Abigail, Hannah and David that I so much desire and lack so much.
After the service, I noticed that they were asking people to place flyers in letterboxes to advertise some meetings coming up. I happily agreed to hand out the brochures as I knew the speaker and knew his subjects well and was honoured to help promote his program.
I am learning that I have received a blessing in my discipline from the church. Regardless of the rightness of my message, this time has given me pause regarding my methods, my attitudes and my true inner feelings, feelings that few others would see or know, but our Father knows and He has ordained this discipline for me in order for me to grow and learn more to have no confidence in the flesh. Oh how the Spirit searches deeply into the souls of men when we approach the Most Holy Place through the only begotten Son in truth!
Dear Father
I want so much to have the spirit of David. He loved those in authority over him even when they were against him. Let your love for those whom you have placed over me always be in my heart. Let me seek every way possible to be loyal and faithful to the leaders of your church that the fragrance of Christ in my heart might win them to the joys I have found in the beloved Son of God. I pray in His mighty name.
