Before I Called in Prayer, He Listened with Grace! (Testimony Inspired by the Booklet: ‘Living in the Channel’ by Lorelle Ebens)
And it shall come to pass, that before they call, I will answer; and while they are yet speaking, I will hear. (Isaiah 65:24)
“Father, if I let go when things go wrong and I can no longer bear it, please don’t let me go. If I try to handle things my own way, becoming angry, fearful, and resentful, please hold on to me. And if I do let go, please provide me a way.”
This has always been a part of my prayer since I first saw the light of the Cross at Calvary and was mesmerized by God’s justice and mercy.
I woke up one morning at 7:00 am, feeling like a complete failure. I could see how much my habits have changed since returning from missionary training in Mindanao. Given my training, I expected more from myself—I should be performing better. I struggled to accept myself forwaking up late and felt a lot of self-loathing over this change.
Even though I’ve read and understood that our identity isn’t about performance but rather about our relationship with God and His character—who doesn’t punish us directly but allows us to face the consequences of our choices—I still battle with the belief that there should be no room for mistakes. I feel like I mustn’t make any errors. I need to perform well: clean thoroughly, mop the floor, sweep, arrange things properly, wipe the dust, clean the pet cages, and cook for my siblings. If I miss even one task, I fear I might be kicked out and become homeless, especially since I don’t have a job or money to support myself.
I grew angry with myself, recalling the days I had missed some tasks around the house. From that anger, everything spiraled in my mind, especially a casual conversation I had with my mom. She told me about a guy hired by my cousin's girlfriend to take care of their pets. He could stay in the house with free meals, water, and electricity. My mom mentioned how this guy would wake up late, stay up late, and eat without helping with household chores—yet he was being paid.
My anger worsened, and I began to resent not only my mom but also my siblings and even our pets. My mind was racing, and I felt exhausted from cleaning, taking care of the pets, and cooking for my siblings. 'Why can’t my mom treat me as part of the family, not a helper?' I almost cried, but instead, I silently asked the Lord to help me overcome this turmoil in my mind.
Added to that was the pressure my Dad had on me. I felt worried and prayed to God, but my emotions were stealing away God’s still small voice. I was afraid that my dad might find out my mom’s address due to a family conflict, so I decided to try a job at Allianz PNB Life Insurance Company, hoping that my dad would be fine seeing that I was doing a great job and not relying on my mom.
After working for only a month, it made no sense to me at all—the salary I earned wasn't enough for me to buy a new phone as it was not working anymore and I had to also cover the bills of the house in Metro Manila where I stayed. So, I went back to my mom’s house and tried to look for another job near home, but I was rejected. The last option I had, even though I didn’t want it, was in Business Process Outsourcing (BPO). I already knew what the consequences would be if I chose this path. On the one hand, I would be earning a bigger salary, helping my mom with the bills in the house, and saving some of the salary in case of emergencies. On the other hand, I would be sacrificing my health and energy as the job required me to work a graveyard shift (through the night).
Could it really help my mental well-being? Could this job provide me with a sense of purpose and fulfillment that would contribute positively to my mental health? Would it offer me the structure and routine I needed to feel more balanced? Could it bring me closer to God? Could this job allow me to witness God’s work in my life and the lives of others? Could it help me develop a stronger reliance on God during challenging times, deepening my relationship with Him? Could I glorify God more in my life with this kind of job? Could my success in this role be a testimony to God’s blessings and grace in my life?
I was so tempted through my emotions. So, as a last resort, I went to MOA Seaside Blvd., where there are many big companies where I could use my Bachelor’s Degree in Business, especially in Marketing. I went to Alorica Seaside Blvd., next to the Amazon building, and tried for a job interview! I passed the interview for the International Account on Sports Retail, but I still had some other requirements to complete before the contract signing, so I was given time.
I spent three weeks praying to God. Yet, my human flesh impatiently wanted that job! My Dad was sending me money to process my application, and I did process it, with that, I became emotional, seeing how much my dad was spending for me to have that job. In the end, through days of introspection and prayer, I realized all my unbelief and how I had been moved by my emotions. I thought I was okay after receiving God’s love. I thought I could handle life’s battles better now that I had Jesus. If only I had shown kindness and compassion to myself, then everything would have not spiraled down to impulsive decision-making. If only I had reacted calmly and peacefully during those situations when I was pressured by my Dad, then he would not have been negatively affected by my disturbed spirit. But my dad felt it—he felt my emotions,.and that caused him to pressure and push me.
I felt it best to continue serving my mom's family. This is my duty for now, where God has put me, and I believed God could give me peace in it. I could then still have time to reflect and do ministry things without throwing myself into a job that I had not been called to do. Once my spirit had peace on this, I was better able to keep calm in my difficult conversations with my dad.
Yet I still praise God for allowing me to go through this process to reveal to me the flaws in my character that I wasn’t even aware of. It is in the process, in the seasons of waiting, that I am enabled to confess my sins and realize the things I've done which caused a lot of mess on God's perfect plan in my life. Yet I thank God for teaching me to not run when things are getting tough, but to embrace it and allow the pain to heal the wounds as He was working on my relationship with my parents. I praise God for giving me His Son Jesus to continually fix me. Hallelujah!
In the season of my salary not being enough to cover my bills in Metro Manila and so I had to go back home, God was there. In the season of finding another job and spending money, time and energy to yet be rejected, He was there. In the season of waiting impatiently to have that job in BPO, He was holding on to me. In the season of making a big decision as to whether I would pursue the way to anger, fear, resentment to just perform the job, He provided a way for me—a way of peace, joy, love and forgiveness. And most blessedly, He helped me keep the relationship with my parents better through Christ.
Being a part of this movement has been a blessing to me and has been God’s channel in reaching out to me. It was during my time at home that I finished translating Lorelle Eben's articles about her experience living in the channel of the source-channel of the Divine Pattern. It really helped me a lot and I believe it can help others also. I am blessed beyond measure for all the principles He planted in my heart which He promised me. He is so very faithful to me. God has given me so many different reasons to say, "I would never lose my faith in You." Indeed, before I called in prayer, He listened with grace and He answered!
Source in English:
https://maranathamedia.com/book/view/living-in-the-channel
Channels in Tagalog and Cebuano:
Nabubuhay sa Isang Daluyan
Pagkinabuhi sa Alagianan
