My first husband liked to drink, but it wasn’t until I started having children that I started to resent it. He would come home late at night and I would have murder in my heart. I don’t know if it was because it wasn’t fair to be left alone with the children or because I couldn’t join him. It was probably a bit of both.
After years of this I snapped. He came home drunk and sniveling apologies. Stand up and be a man, I thought. I was full of resentment and put both hands above my head with the intention of it striking his neck. I know I had every bit of my strength and energy in the intended blow, and if it had of connected I know it would have killed him; but I think he saw the insanity in my eyes, and promptly dropped to the ground. My blow missed him and then it was over. Life went on as usual.
Later, when I found God, I repented a I knew I was forgiven; but I didn’t realise till later that violence was still in my heart.
When I watched the death of George Floyd, my passion was aroused and I imagined that if I was there, I would have attempted to remove the policeman for his victim’s neck; but like the crowd I know I would have done nothing. I would have just been another victim myself.
It shocked me to know that I still had violence in my heart; and I thought about when my dear Saviour, my friend, was on the cross. If I was there would I join the crowd and call for his death, or would I want to rebuff the crowd? Either way, I would have consented to the death of my Saviour. Peter in the garden wanted to fight and cut off the ear of the High Priest’s servant, and when Yeshua rebuked him he must have felt the shame that I now feel; and then to deny his Lord, his friend, his Saviour and Redeemer… Peter fled and cried bitter tears, and I also with bitter tears follow him. We both had a choice to make. We could have followed Judas and let Chronos lead us into death (by succumbing to the devil our accuser); or fall on the mercy of our Father.
Oh Father, please forgive me. Take this violence from my heart. I appeal to all my brothers and sisters. Let us please examine our hearts as there may be things in there that we are not aware of. Things that we thought were gone. The heart is deceitful above all else. I choose to believe God’s word.
Proverbs 8:13 “He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whose confesseth and forsake them shall have mercy.”
Psalm 32:5 “I acknowledge my sin unto thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid, I said I will confess my transgressions unto the LORD; and thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin.”
Acts 3:19 “Repent ye therefore, and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, when the times of refreshing shall come from the presence of the Lord.”
1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
Isaiah 1:18 “Come now, let us reason together, says the LORD: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow, though they are like crimson, they shall become like wool.”
Psalm 103:12 “As far as east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgression from us.”
Micah 7:19 “He will turn again, he will have compassion upon us; he will dubdue our iniquities; and thou wilt cast all their sins into the depths of the sea.”
He will have compassion upon me. He will subdue my iniquities. Thou wilt cast all my sins into the depths of the sea.